Fucked up things that I, the best DM in the world, do on a regular basis:
- XP rewards/punishment for being on time / late to the session
- “No phone” rule for players (that I blatantly violate myself)
- No qualms about letting PCs die – I have the chorus of “I just died in your arms tonight” queued up to play with the push of one finger every time that happens. Which is often
- For a while I was putting up their dead character’s sheets on my wall ← this one I don’t do anymore
- Int/Wis/Cha are pretty much only for spellcasting & saving throws. No rolling int to bypass a puzzle or wis to find a trap
- Two words: pixel hunting
- Not only have I removed investigation, I’ve also removed deception, insight, persuation and intimidation from the skill list. Your shyness = your character’s shyness
- I calculated out and assigned XP values for the PCs, i.e. what XP they’d get if they started killing each other. So far no one has gone for it
- Trusting players? What’s that? I have them watching each other’s die rolls
- RAW? What’s that? Our house rule document is longer than the PHB at this point
- Including nerfing such power house spells as Light, Goodberry, Dancing Lights, Produce Flame. I told them “I want you guys starving in the dark”
- Mood, immersion, description? What’s that? A good DM: “You smash the skeleton’s bones to shards, skipping across the floor. The top of the skull wobbling on the cold dungeon stone tiles.”. Me “You reduce the skeleton to 0 hp. You get 50 xp.”
- Favoritism! Sorry Joe but if you would just try to apply yourself you could become as good at D&D as Mike is
- Plot? Satisfying narrative arcs? Addressing theme? Naw, all that out the window!
- Forget pacing, too. I never cut, never use “camera metaphors” or other TV language. I just go “what do you do?” and then I stfu until the players say what they do.
- Improvisation? Hell no! If a monster ain’t in the prep, it’s not there!
- Curating the experience? That’s not my style either. Dice are falling where they may.
- Not to mention being a raging ultra marxist who has banned the words “race” and “dwarf”
Any questions? Of course not.